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Ohjeita

2007-01-31T16:50:00+02:00

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A man and a frog

2006-12-12T11:53:00+02:00

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at
the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and
grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and
doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game
of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I
should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man
figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

I like monkeys.

2006-12-12T11:47:00+02:00

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.

Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped
dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours
later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked
for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to
smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't
want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to
change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the
freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had
to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys
in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The
odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use
the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city
wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had
a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking
about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they
like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched
them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.